Drum Roll, Please!

Blonde Joke of the Day:

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

- Courtesy of Comedy Central - http://jokes.comedycentral.com/random_joke.aspx?joke_id=5226



Well, time for another post...geez, haven't posted in awhile. So sue me...hehe. Anyway, I got to thinking about things I hate yesterday. Mostly because I had one of those days...the kind where it seems everyone is out to get you. Some of the things listed happened to me yesterday, and some didn't. As a tribute to Mr. David Letterman, I composed a "Top Ten" list....but since I'm a cranky mofo, it ended being a Top 20 list instead.
And the Top 20 Things That Annoy The Fook Outta Me! are:

20) Getting my son S. out of bed in the morning. You'd think since he gets up at 7 am Monday through Friday, he'd eventually get used to it. Nope. The second his eyes open he starts wailing. "I hate the morning...I'm too tired...This is the worst day ever! I hate YOU!" My answer? "Ya really think I like getting up this early to get your sorry butt off to school??". Yeah, I'm real mature at 7 am too....wonder where S. gets his pleasant morning attitude from?

19) Lame excuses - This one ties into number 20. "I can't get up and go to school today...my stomach hurts!"
"Hmm, let's go eat breakfast and see if that helps."
"But...but...I can't...my knee hurts!!"
"Not gonna work...cuz your knee seemed fine when you were kicking and screaming three minutes ago! Get up!"
"AAAAAH...I can't...my eyebrows hurt!!!" <--- actual excuse used...it didn't work either.

18) Bad Drivers - Yeah, I'm talking to you. You, the one who glared at ME because I crossed the street. Sure, you coulda used a signal light to indicate you were making a turn whilst I was trying to cross the street. Sorry, forgot my psychic powers at home, my bad.

17) Redundant Questions - Ya know, I love my in-laws. I really do. But sometimes...anyone got some duct tape I can borrow? "Did you put S. in a coat this morning?" - Nope, sure didn't. I love it when he catches a cold, and he's even more grouchy. I also love when I have to run around all day, making soup, making tea, taking temperatures, and dispensing cold meds. Hell yes I put a coat on him, I ain't that blond...grrrrrrr.
"Did S. brush his teeth?" - Yeah, I love taking him to the dentist, hearing him complain, and paying the bill. Good times....Argh.
Did I mention they go to Mexico a lot? Yay...I mean...darn.

16) "Hey hon...are there any more clean blahblahs? I'm out!" - ARGH! I love you, J. But you think you could warn a person the day before you run out of unmentionables? And why do they ask this question 25 minutes before we have to be somewhere? My new response is gonna be: "Sorry babe, I just picked the last ones off the underwear tree...guess you're goin' commando today!"

15) Toothpaste Messes - Hmm...there's some in the sink. And the counter. Geez, even the floor! But what I didn't realize is that there was more. I washed my hands, brushed my teeth (no toothpaste anywhere but down the drain, thankyouverymuch!), put on makeup, contacts, deodorant, and left. All day, my eyes itched and watered. By the time I got home, it looked like I had a bad case of Pinkeye or a raging eye infection. Took out my contacts thinking they were the culprit. They kinda were. Hmm, that hand towel looks a little grungy. Better change it. What's this blue gunk? Ohhhhh snap! I'm just grateful S. uses kids toothpaste still, and not the more powerful stuff we use. The moral of the story is: Always check towel before drying hands then putting contacts in.

14) Customer Service - Ok, why is it when you're actually looking for something, getting help is like pulling teeth?? And when you finally do find someone they either a) have no clue wtf you're talking about, or b) don't give a damn.
And then you walk into another store, just to kill time and browse. Five guys in matching shirts pop out of the woodwork. "Can I help you today?".
"Nope, just looking. But I think two of you guys should go next door, they could use some help."

13) The Honkers - Nope, not Canada Geese. Soccer moms. The ones in the line of cars to drop off their little bundles of joy at the school. Yep, the 30 cars ahead of you are just gonna disappear if you honk your horn loudly enough. And again. And yet again. Geez lady, this ain't Hogwart's, and Harry Potter isn't gonna wave his li'l magic wand just so you can pull up.

12) The Grunt - You know him. He's that guy at the gym. The guy with the ginormous muscles in a tank top even though it's freezing in there. And he's grunting...out loud...with every rep. There's one in every gym. And they're all annoying.

11) Clowns - Just clowns in general. Scary mofos, each and every one. The Stephen King novel didn't help, nor did the pics of John Wayne Gacey as a clown. No wonder kids cry when they see'em for the first time.

10) Hackers - Nope, not the geeky guy living in Mom's basement who steals your ID and uses it to buy techno-geek gadgets and pocket protectors. I'm talking about those beeotches with the scissors who promise to only cut off one or two inches. Six inches later, and panic sets in. Worst case scenario - you're a teen in the 80's and she cuts your hair so short you can't even get it around a curling iron to make it 'feather' (AKA Mullet!). Yeah, I'm still bitter.

9) Movie Endings That Suck - Ever watched on of those movies and you feel like throwing something at the screen at the end? Or there's no real resolution to the conflict....just so they can make an even lamer sequel? Argh....that is all.

8) Acting Like Your Parents - Ok, this is just scary. You know all those things you hated dealing with as a kid? Then you start doing or saying them. Grrrreat. Love you, Mom and Dad!

7) Princesses - Those girls, the ones that walk or drive around while talking on rhinestone encrusted 'cellies', carrying purses big enough to house a family of rhinos. The ones who think their time is more valuable than anyone elses, and they're special. Yep. you're special...especially annoying.

6) Sporting Goods Stores - J., honey, I love going fishing with you. Shopping for hooks, sinkers, poles, and reels? For three hours?? Not so much. And no, I do not want a fishing pole for my birthday.

5) Teenagers - In general...all of them. Skaters, Emos, Sidewalk hoggers. In specific, my darling daughter, C. Baby doll, you're not the first teenager to discover boys, get acne, get grounded, cry, giggle hysterically, and talk on the phone for hours. But all in one day???

4) Dog Doodoo Dipshits - You might be one of these people if your dog craps on everyones lawn....except yours. Next time you let Fido pinch off a loaf right where we get out of our car, you're getting it back. Air mail. And the old "I forgot a bag" excuse ain't gonna work. You have a big purse, use it... before you wear it as a hat.

3) Bad Waitresses - Maybe you should try sitting here forever with my kids while they whine about being thirsty, hungry, and bored. Then hear them whine about their food being wrong. The final straw....take forever to bring me the bill, just so I can hear yet more whining. Have a nice day? Thanks to you, nope.

2) Are We Done Yet? - Words not to be spoken to a wife while she is shopping for clothes. It's bad enough you finally see a pair of jeans you love, they're on sale...and they only have them in Size 2 or size 18.

1) And the number one thing that annoys me right now is....My friend, K. How dare you tell me you're moving to San Diego? Three hours away...Wahhhh. My shopping buddy, my willing ear, along with the uncanny ability to pull something off the rack, hand it to me, and it fits perfectly. And the best thing about K....she never says "Are we done yet?".